Let’s Talk Attachment

Have you ever wondered why you feel extra anxious when your partner doesn’t text back quickly? Or why you sometimes pull away when relationships start to feel “too close”? The answers may lie in something called attachment theory.

Attachment theory is the idea that the way we connect with others in adulthood is deeply influenced by how we bonded with caregivers in childhood. These early experiences can create patterns called attachment styles that show up in relationships with friends, romantic partners, family members, and even with coworkers.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment

   • People with secure attachment tend to feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They tend to trust easily, communicate well, and handle conflict in healthy ways.

2. Anxious Attachment

   • Someone with an anxious style often craves closeness and fears being abandoned or unloved. They may seek reassurance and validation frequently in relationships.

3. Avoidant Attachment

   • Those with an avoidant style value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. They might pull away (or push others away) when emotions run high. They may experience significant discomfort around vulnerability.

4. Disorganized Attachment

   • People with disorganized attachment may both crave connection and fear it at the same time, leading to push-pull dynamics. This style is sometimes linked to inconsistent or even traumatic early relationships.

It is important to note that no attachment style is bad. Understanding your attachment style can help you to better manage patterns so that you can have strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationships. While attachment styles are shaped early, they can shift over time.

How to Assess Your Attachment Style

You may already notice patterns by reflecting on your relationships:

• Do you often worry your partner will leave you and seek reassurance and validation that they won’t?

  • You may lean towards anxious attachment

• Do you feel trapped when someone gets “too close”? Do you tend to push others away rather than being vulnerable?

  • You may lean towards avoidant attachment

• Do you go between the above two examples, sometimes pulling others closer and being afraid they will leave, but other times pushing them away?

  • You may lean towards disorganized attachment

• Do you feel generally safe and balanced in relationships? Do you feel comfortable managing conflict in relationships and being vulnerable?

  • You may lean towards secure attachment

To assess your attachment style more formally, you can take a free assessment here.

Why Attachment Matters in Relationships

Your attachment style can influence:

• Communication: including whether you ask clearly for what you need or hint indirectly, and your communication needs in relationships.

• Conflict: how you manage disagreements: do you shut down, avoid, lash out, or talk it through?

• Trust: whether you find it easy to rely on others or feel anxious about being let down or abandoned.

The good news is, with awareness and support, you can build healthier patterns. Understanding your attachment style can be the first step toward creating more secure, fulfilling relationships.

Ready to explore your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships? At Awakening Serenity Counseling in Aurora, Colorado, I specialize in trauma-informed care and relationship healing. Together, we can help you move toward a deeper understanding of your patterns and increased security, trust, and connection.

Schedule a free consultation and start the journey towards awareness and healing here.